What we believe about ourselves is exposed during a divorce. And for a woman divorcing an abusive man, her self-esteem is pretty much shot to hell. You can tell by what she’s willing to give up.
I’ve seen women give up houses, cars, investment accounts, alimony, (thankfully by law they can’t refuse child support!) because they say, “Well, I don’t want to be selfish” or “I’m not out to destroy him financially.”
I know every situation is uniquely different, but some women believe they’re not worthy of more and their husbands have convinced them that they’re down and out and can’t afford to pay them. After 26 years of marriage, a woman I knew refused to pursue alimony from her ex, or to take her half of their 2,500 square foot house. She ended up having to settle with a one bedroom apartment making $12 an hour working in a factory while he lived in the 4-bedroom home and made triple her salary. She reported to me that she just felt “bad” about making him pay her for her half of the house and pay her alimony. As a result, she continued to struggle financially for years after their divorce.
Let me say this as clearly as I can, sweet friends. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY DIME, QUARTER, DOLLAR, CAR, HALF A HOUSE, that is due you! I’m not advocating fighting over toasters and flatware, you can let those things go. But you must remember that you invested in this relationship as much, if not more, than he did and so you deserve to have your fair share.
Don’t use this as an opportunity to get revenge and unfairly take more than what is due you, but you need to believe you’re worthy of getting your part. Don’t believe the lies that this is a chance to take the high road and show unselfish love or that maybe he’ll see the light and “come to Jesus” if you give him your half. No. Just no. He won’t.
Be strong and brave and kind to yourself. You don’t have to be unkind to him, of course, but please don’t let anyone guilt you into giving up more than what is rightfully yours.
Allison Stevens 
You make some very valid points. All too often women are ready to give up more, rationalizing that they are helping the other. But they are not so good at helping themselves.
Looking at this from another perspective: what about women who are ready to give up what they are entitled to because they know their ex-husband’s abusive nature and how it will continue to haunt them even after separation? Abusive partners find ways to control and manipulate even after getting separated; more so, sometimes, because they are so angry that their partner left. Sometimes I find that women give up on these things and walk away so they can have peace of mine that there is nothing connecting them to that abusive partner anymore, in any way possible.
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So true and so well said. I considered putting these ideas in the article as well, but I decided against it, mostly because I feel that our legal systems do not do enough to protect women from this kind of further abuse. However your points are valid and true! And a woman who chooses to give up a fight for her own safety, no one should judge her. It is her choice and she knows the cost if she pursues further. But it should not be this way. Our laws should be tougher on domestic violence and using property or especially children against the other spouse/parent to continue to control and abuse. Thank you for adding to this article.
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I agree, Allison. The legal system, and society as a whole, has a long way to go to grapple with the complexities of domestic abuse and the pervading psychological consequences after, not just on the woman, but on the whole family unit.
I’m thankful to see articles such as yours that attempt to shed light on the injustices, because you are advocating for a better future for the abused partners.
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